I don’t think that I have posted this before, if I have I apologise, blame it on ‘baby brain’.
It’s been 8 months now and I am still really struggling with coming to terms with Izzy’s birth. Prior to getting pregnant I had always had this vision in my head of having as natural a birthing experience as possible. Minimal intervention, preferably in water. Through pregnancy I tried to be more realistic. I told myself that I would not have any expectations of birth and therefore I could not be disappointed by my experience. Of course though I thought this was how I was approaching things, I apparently didn’t.
Being induced for me was not a big deal. I was warned that induction fails in some cases but I think I was so focused on not being pregnant anymore (by this point I’d just had enough) that I did not really heed the warnings.
I have so many what ifs going through my head… What if I had chosen to have the elective Caesarian at 39 weeks as I was offered, would I be feeling the way I do? What if I had allowed nature to take its course – would I have gone into labour naturally? Would I have been induced at 40+12 weeks? Would induction have been successful at that point? Or would it still have failed? And then there is all the questions about labour itself. Would I have managed a minimal intervention labour? Would I have struggled to cope with the pain of labour? Would I have ended up with a Caesarian section anyway? Would I still feel this way if there was an actual medical need for the section e.g. placenta praevia?
And so on it goes… What if? Questions that I will never ever know the answer to. So what happens next time? There are 2 choices. I can opt to have an elective section at 39 weeks, or I can try and have a VBAC (Vaginal birth after Caesarian). The first option seems the most straightforward. At around 39 weeks pregnant on a pre-arranged date, I could go to the hospital and have my baby. If I have SPD again this means that I get to have my baby earlier than I might otherwise, which would mean less pain and discomfort. The next baby could be bigger than Izzy was (if I had gone 2 weeks over as it seems likely that I would have, then Izzy would have been over 10lbs), as second babies often are, in which case a Caesarian might be the better option. And given that I went overdue with Izzy, the likelihood is that I would go over again and induction is not commonly advised for VBAC patients, therefore again a Caesarian would probably be the end result. So even knowing all this, why am I still yearning to try for a VBAC next time?
I know that I am very lucky. That Izzy arrived with no complications, that I recovered easily and quickly from my Caesarian and that it really was the best option for me at the time, however I still feel cheated, like I have missed out on one of life’s truly powerful experiences and I just cannot seem to make my peace with that…
