12 months old!

On Tuesday 1st May 2012, my beautiful daughter turned a year old. I cannot believe that this year has gone past so quickly. I can’t quite say that I remember her as a newborn like it was yesterday, but as a 3 month old? Definitely. The changes are coming thick and fast and almost daily I look at her and think, wow, did she really just do that?!

At 12 months/1 year old, Izzy is still a tiny little girl weighing in at 18lb 2oz (25th centile) -still 6oz off doubling her birth weight! – and measuring 73.5cm long (50th centile). She wears 6-9 month clothes and size 4 nappies.

She is crawling, pulling up, cruising, her new trick is climbing (on and off her trampoline) and she has also scaled the full flight of stairs with no issues (I was right behind her!). She is starting to let go more and more often and can stand unsupported for up to 10 seconds.

Speech wise she is doing brilliantly, jabbering away non-stop pretty much all day long. She now says mama, dada, baba, nana, ta and cat. Non-verbally she shakes her head for no and waves for goodbye/good night.

I am still breastfeeding, we are pretty much down to three times in the day and then once or twice at night, although obviously some days she feeds more than others. The three days that she is at nursery she goes the whole 10 hours with no milk at all (she flat out refuses formula/expressed milk in bottles or beakers but takes juice from either).

I am working to transition her back into cloth nappies when she is with me but we are still having leakage issues. In the next couple of months I hope to purchase a couple of different brands of cloth nappies to see if we can find one which works more reliably for us.

All in all life is good. Izzy is happy and healthy, growing and developing well. I love her more than I ever could have imagined. My little miracle!

What a difference a year makes

A year ago today I was lying in a hospital bed. I’d already had 2 pessaries which had failed to achieve anything and the doctors were dragging their heels about giving me a 3rd since I was contracting so frequently – although the contractions weren’t actually doing anything either! I was a mess of emotions amped up by hormones, excited to finally meet my baby, relieved that the end was in sight for a pregnancy which had been such a struggle and almost overwhelmingly fear. I was suddenly so scared about becoming a parent and most of all of failing. What if I was not a good mum?

Tomorrow my beautiful daughter turns 1. This year has been the most extraordinary journey that I have ever been on. I have experienced so many different emotions, of intensities that I hardly knew were possible. Every day I look at her, and I cannot help but feel wonder that I am doing it, I am being her mum. I might not be perfect but I am doing the best I can. The best for her, the best for me and the best for our family. And although sometimes this does not feel like its enough, today I know it is, and I feel at peace with myself for the first time in a long, long while.

Grief

Two years ago this week something happened that fundamentally changed my life. My best friend, my sister in life, found out at her 12 week scan that her baby had no heartbeat. The resulting pain broke our friendship and for the following 18 months we barely spoke*. The reason for my friends grieving was obvious but mine? Not so much. From the age of 14 and my first diagnosis with PCOS I had always been told that I would struggle to conceive. Somehow deep in my subconscious this had been transformed by my mind into ‘I CANNOT have children’. I didn’t even realise this until my BFF said it to me recently and suddenly everything made sense. When she told me she was pregnant all my hopes had been pinned upon that baby, and when she miscarried my hopes were crushed too.

18 months later, my pain is largely healed. I still grieve for that baby but in a much healthier way. My grief now is for my friend, and for the pain that she still suffers. I will never forget that this time of year, and the date that she would have been due are immensely difficult for her. I only hope that I can support her now in a way that I could not at the time.

*Coincidentally my friend and I found out we were pregnant within days of one another, our due dates were 12 days apart, she went overdue and we were induced on the same day. Her little man made a rapid appearance, Izzy took her time and arrived two days later. In the last couple of months we have worked hard at being open and honest with one another and our friendship has grown stronger and healthier than it ever was before. I have my ‘sister’ back and am happier than I have been in a long time!

What kind of parent am I?

This month the PAIL theme post is on what kind of parent I want/ed to be and what kind of parent I actually am.

When I was pregnant, and pre-pregnancy, I wanted to do everything as naturally as possible; natural child birth, breastfeeding on demand, cloth nappies, baby-wearing, homemade baby food, the only thing I drew the line at was co-sleeping (I was just too scared of rolling on her in the night). Of course things rarely go to plan.

First off pregnancy was nothing like I’d envisaged. I thought that I’d love it, I wanted to love it, in reality whilst I loved certain aspects (how I looked and feeling/seeing Izzy grow), I found pregnancy extremely difficult. For the first 10 weeks I was a bundle of nerves and nausea. Weeks 10-20 were better and I started to enjoy it, then SPD struck, weeks 20-30 were difficult but manageable however the last 10 weeks were hell. I was in constant pain and then from 33 weeks the frequent contractions meant I was pretty much house bound. Then came the birth. One failed induction later and I was whisked off to theatre, my natural birth plan went out the window. So what about my other plans for natural parenting?

Breastfeeding has been my main success, brought about through stubbornness as much as anything else. After my loss of control through my pregnancy/birth I was determined that SOMETHING was going to go my way. 11 months later we’re still going strong and unless Izzy ditches me sooner I plan to continue till she is around 18 months.

Cloth nappies, well this has has not been quite so successful. When Izzy was born my cousin gave me her supply of Bambino Mio’s in small and extra small. The extra small were fab. For a little while we exclusively used cloth nappies, however then Izzy outgrew the first size and from then on we had a lot of leakage problems. I bought some cheap AIO’s to see if they were better, however the same problem occurred. For a few months I gave up however I have now decided that it is something I wish to pursue and am in the process of trying a couple of different styles to see what works for us.

Baby food – this has been a mixture right from the start, and actually I’m ok with that. Sometimes taking the easy option is just fine. At least this way she is getting a variety of foods that she wouldn’t otherwise with my limited cooking skills!

And as for co-sleeping? Well I do it when I need to. When Izzy is sick or I am, when I can’t cope with getting up yet another time. The one thing I do draw the line at is sleeping with Izzy and my husband. Our bed is just too small, so the nights she sleeps with me, he sleeps in the guest room.

So what sort of parent do I think I am? A parent who loves her daughter more than anything, who wants what is best for her, who will do everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. But I am also a parent who sometimes compromises to make things easier – I find parenthood is tough enough without forcing extra unnecessary struggles on myself. All in all I think I am a parent like any other, just trying to do the best job I can!

11 months old!

Another month has shot by and Izzy is now 11 months old. In just under a months time our princess will turn 1 and it will have been a whole year since our miracle turned our lives upside down and inside out. The best year of our lives so far.

At 11 months Izzy weighs 17lb 11 oz, a massive gain (for her) of 10oz since last month. She is still in 6-9 month clothes, a lot of which are still too big, and she is in size 4 nappies (although I am working at re-introducing cloth!)

We finally have 2 teeth, no sign of any more in the near future though! Her hair is growing and thickening up and she seems to have had a bit of growth spurt lengthwise although she is still pretty skinny.

Development wise she has leapt ahead. She now says 5 words having added ta (thank you) and cat to her previous mama, dada and baba. I think nursery is having a huge influence of her speech and I am looking forward to hearing what she picks up next.

Izzy’s favourite games at the moment are peekaboo, catch and give and take. She still loves her stacking cups and her little rubber ducks in the bath.

Nothing is safe anymore with Izzy crawling, pulling up and cruising wherever possible. She will occasionally let go and can stand without support for a few seconds. The health visitor seemed pretty certain that she will be walking in the next month or so.

Other new abilities include waving, shaking and nodding her head and very occasionally clapping. She will also point sometimes, usually at the cat.

Sleepwise we have had some improvement. The nursery staff has encouraged Izzy to sleep on her tummy rather than her back. Some she adopted this position she has slept for longer periods, including one night where she slept through from 9.30pm till 6am. Although this has not been repeated, I am at hopeful that soon she will be sleeping through regularly. Most days Izzy has 2 daytime naps ranging anywhere from 30 mins anywhere up to 2.5 hours. All of her naps are now in her cot and most of the time she goes down with no hassle at all.

We are still breastfeeding. Most days Izzy feeds around 3 times. Morning, before afternoon nap and bed time. On nursery days, it is morning, on pick up from nursery and bed time. In between she has no milk whatsoever. We tried and tried to get her to take milk (both formula and expressed) from a bottle or
a sippy cup/beaker but to no avail, however she seems to manage fine without. Breastfeeding this month has been particularly difficult as Izzy has continued to bite me fairly regularly. I also discovered that I have contacted thrush in my nipples and have been undergoing treatment for this. It has been very painful and uncomfortable, but I am hopeful that we will be back on track soon. I plan to continue feeding Izzy up until around 18 months or so, after all morning and night isn’t that much of an inconvenience any more.

So that’s it, another month has flown by. Soon my baby will be a toddler, I cherish each moment I spend with her. I love her more strongly than I could ever have imagined, I am amazed by her abilities on a daily basis as she continues to learn and grow. What a wonderful experience parenthood truly is.

Glorious

It’s absolutely beautiful weather here at the moment. Warm and sunny, just how I like it. However there are 2 major downsides:
1. Neither Izzy nor I have a decent summer wardrobe. I wasn’t expecting this weather, its the end of March, we often have snow at this time of year! Time to hit the shops I think!
2. I have been stuck in work, thankfully though I am now on holiday until the 10th April and can now make the most of it. (Although the forecast is for cold and rain at the weekend – I’ll believe it when it happen )

What else?

Izzy is at such a fun age. She is cheeky and cute and lively and my heart melts over and over again. Every time I pick her up from nursery the carer always has some new little anecdote for me illustrating just what a gorgeous little girl she is – yesterday she told me that Izzy had been sat on a little wheeled horse, the carer was distracted for a moment and when she turned back another baby had pushed Izzy across the room. Izzy was just sat there smiling and giggling happily. The day before she’d been introduced to the sand pit and had been so excited that she’d launched herself into the pit without any help at all!

Her sleep has been much improved. I’m not sure if this is because she has started sleeping on her tummy (encouraged by the nursery) or if it’s because she was too warm before and is responding well to underdressing her at night which I recently have been paying more attention to. Either way I’m not going to knock it and will just pray it continues!

I feel like emotionally I’m in a really good place at the moment. I’ve got a
husband who is being a lot more supportive, a beautiful happy baby, I’ve sorted a few things out with my mum but probably the biggest difference has been regaining my best friend. I feel like the part of me that was missing is now repairing. Our relationship is better than it has been for a long, long time and I am so thankful for this. I needed this more than I knew.

10 months old!

I know this post is mega late, but I will be writing it as if it was written 3 weeks ago!

10 months have passed since my beautiful daughter made her long awaited arrival. At 10 months old Izzy weighs 17lb1oz. She wears 6-9 month clothes (many of which are too big still) and size 3 nappies. She finally now has 2 teeth, arriving properly on 20th Feb and 2nd March after a very dramatic breakthrough at the beginning of the month.

This month has brought us some big changes. Izzy has started to crawl and this, along with starting nursery, gave her the independence that she had craved for so long. She is so much happier now. Less whiney and clingy, going off and playing on her own and allowing me to leave a room briefly without screaming the house down.

Her favourite new word is dada, which along with mama and baba brings her vocabulary of recognisable words to 3! She chatters away constantly, often shouting out when she gets excited.

I love Izzy at this age. She’s so interactive and interesting, but she’s also tiny and still a baby (although not for very much longer I am sure). I look forward to what the future will bring, though I can’t help but wish that time would slow down a little!

Random

1. I have been sick for almost a week which is why the blog posts I promised before haven’t yet appeared. I hope to get them up in the next few days.
2. I have a nasty virus which my wonderful daughter shared with me, it includes sore throat, swollen glands, blocked sinuses, ear ache, head ache, body ache, oh and I also have thrush. Joy!
3. On the plus side I had an ultrasound a short while ago to check out the state of my PCOS post partum. Amazing news, ALL of my cysts have completely GONE!
4. I am back on Metformin to try and regulate my cycles a little better. First month on it, my cycle dropped from 46 days to 32, we’ll see what this month holds.
5. I’ve fallen off the weight loss wagon again. I haven’t been to weight watchers for a few weeks and have stopped tracking etc. I know I’ve put on weight again but am struggling to find the motivation to get back on track.
6. I am back at work for 2.5 days a week. It’s going fine, I am clearing a backlog of archiving that hasn’t been done since June 2010. I am appalled at the state of the files but am enjoying bringing order back.
7. Izzy is doing amazingly at nursery. She no longer cries at pick up or drop off. She eats, sleeps and plays well and is soaking the new environment up like a sponge.
8. Izzy can now say 5 words – mama, dada, baba, ta (thank you) and aca (cat).
9. Exciting times – we have decided to move house as soon as we can. We had our first valuer come round last weekend (before I got sick). We’ll get a couple more valuations from different estate agents, tidy the place up and de-clutter and hope to have it on the market by mid-May!
10. I have a goddaughter! My German friend had her 2nd child, Charlotte, in November. I recently had a letter from her asking me to be godmother. I’m so touched!

I’m sure there’s loads more that I wanted to put but it’s late and I’m exhausted, so that’s it for now!

PAIL and breastfeeding

The PAIL bloggers are doing a weekly topical post, this weeks happens to be on breastfeeding. I know I’m not a true PAIL blogger myself, I’ve never suffered a loss and my infertility problems were bypassed a lot more quickly than I could ever have dreamed of, however I feel like I belong. I can understand the heartache and the longing of infertility and the pain of knowing that it might never happen for you. So I will be posting alongside them.

I had always planned on breastfeeding. I wanted to do everything as naturally as possible. Natural childbirth, breastfeeding, cloth nappies. Breastfeeding is the only one that has worked out and I guess I am still kind of clinging to that.

Very shortly after birth when we were having skin to skin in the recovery room Izzy started rooting and wanting to feed, the nurse however told me to wait to feed her till I was back in my room – this annoyed me no end, how could I deny my tiny baby’s first demands?! Izzy was a natural feeder right from the start. Our main problem came from positioning. I have very big boobs, the major downside of which is that my nipples point down rather than out. This meant that I had to hold my nipple in place to enable Izzy to latch on properly, awkward especially when out and about! Support cushions helped a lot but I still ended up with splits along the side of both nipples – painful to say the least.

10.5 months on we’re still going strong. Izzy is still exclusively breastfeeding. Now I am back at work she feeds first thing in the morning, as soon as I pick her up from nursery, at bedtime and then anywhere between 1 and 4 times during the night. (The last few nights it been around 4 times but last week we were down to twice!). When I am off work she will also feed at least once during the day.

One of our big problems is that I have never consistently given Izzy bottles.
In the beginning when I gave them to her infrequently she would take them fine however as time went on she would take them less and less easily. Returning to work was the big challenge, and we failed big time. Izzy is amazingly stubborn! We had got her used to the bottle again by giving her juice in it. When she started nursery I expressed and sent a bottle of 6oz of breastmilk. She drank an ounce of it. Next day, same thing. By the third day she would not even drink an ounce. As soon as she realised it was milk in the bottle not juice, she stopped drinking. After 3 weeks of trying we have given up. She will not take milk in a cup, beaker or bottle, only from me. We’ve tried formula, and still no progress. Whilst a part of me feels quite proud that my daughter will only feed from me, part of me is thinking what have I done?! Either way looks like I am breastfeeding for the long haul! (While I had planned to EBF till around 18 months, having the choice taken away is pretty daunting!)

Busy bee

I haven’t disappeared, just busy with being a working Mummy! I have a couple of posts in the pipeline that I hope to get out in the next week or so:

- 10 month update
- #2
- nursery and breastfeeding

We are having a few quiet family days together and hopefully I’ll find some time to get these posts polished and posted, meanwhile here are a couple of pics of my cutie pie: